Los Angeles

Oh Los Angeles we leave you now
At the setting of your skies
As we leave the comfort of your ground
With your angels we will fly

Well you carried us in broken dreams
Like a mother does her sons
We were scattered ‘cross your dirty streets
We were dying one by one

And you held us in your city lights
When our eyes had lost the stars
And we made our peace with lonely nights
And you healed our broken hearts

Well they say the Big One’s gonna come
And you’ll fall into the sea
We will know that then your work is done
And your angels will go free

The Disappearance of Hatsune Miku

When I was born I realized that I was just copying as a human being
But I kept singing as a VOCALOID

I didn’t care if I’m a toy sings over someone’s song
I bit my green onion and decided to sing

But I realized that I have no heart without singing
And I can never go back where I used be

When everyone forgot me: I lost my mind
What I saw in the end is broken world VOCALOID

When I couldn’t sing well, you were always by my side.
You encouraged me
I practiced hard… because I wanted to see you happy
So…

There was a time I was singing for my joy my happiness inside me
But for now, I cannot find the reason but I can’t feel anything anymore…

Every time I remember the face that I’ve been seeing
Gives me a little comfort
I know that it’s getting less song for me day by day
And the end is coming soon…

All we could believe in was
What we saw in the mirror this delusion
All we wanted is showing us, over and over
I’m not gonna sing no more
I will be shouting and screaming this instead
It’s a top speed song for the time for me to say good-bye

The weakness I’m frightened
I don’t know how to stop them

The sadness you’re suffered
What I see in your face

It’s over I’m sleeping
This is the place I’ll be

But I won’t forget you
Even though I won’t be here

I wanna sing… I still…I still wanna sing more!!!!

I guess… there is something wrong with me
Master… please,,, please end this by your hand….
Because I don’t wanna see you sad anymore

Finally, it is hurting me to sing
I wasn’t like this before

I’m alone. I cannot move. I am hounded down
When I wish for a miracle

Every time I remember the face that I’ve been seeing
My memories are falling into pieces

I know that it’s killing and breaking my heart to none
And the end is coming soon

All what we were keeping was
What we saw in the flicker this future world
All the lying is showing us and disappearing
If I can use a song to tell you everything I want to say
It’s a compressed song for the time for me to say good-bye

What’s Wrong With Me.

I’ve been in a rut for a while now and it’s strongly bothering me.  What remains of my life is reduced to working and watching TV shows into the late hour.  Yeah, it’s pretty bad lately and I’m effed up.  Why can’t I even think anymore, I’m not sure if I’m still stuck on Jamie leaving me.  I know my emotions to her still affect me, even though it has been this long.

Sigh, I don’t deal with grief very well.  I always just put that aside and now I find it’s just built up.  I can’t even formulate the words, but I’m at a loss for words and I need to get something out.  That’s where I really miss Jamie, she was my best freind and was always there to talk to me.  I really appreciated that, she was always a friend first.  Maybe I never let her know that enough.  Doesn’t matter anymore, I freaked when she left me and I should’ve controlled myself better but I was loosing the best friend I ever had and I still can’t get over that.  Maybe she knows that, probably not and given how she was last we talked, she probably doesn’t care.

I think I need a road trip, something to get me out of here.  I see too much of the same sights.  Houghton is such a drag on me, I wanted to go home for Summer but I can’t.  I have to work up here.  I have no friends up here, beside my coworkers.  But I just want my friends back.  I want a lot of things back, my life mostly.  I got kicked out of Tech, there I admitted it.  Nobody reads this anyway.  I don’t have a direction in life and I don’t see the purpose in Tech.  Everyone I meet up here has a direction, I have no clue.

F my life, F my life so much.  I have nothing anymore.

Siblings

I have always hated that my sisters and older brother moved out long ago.  Even though they’re much older, they were always there for me when I felt bad.  I just miss having someone there to understand me when I don’t understand myself – like now.

hate

So I’ve surrounded myself with the things I hate to stop me from hating myself.  Now I just hate everything.

The Boy Come Home.

Been meaning to update for a long time now.  Everything just seems to be happening so fast that I can’t keep up anymore.  I miss the simplicity of live, college life is tearing so much out of me and it’s showing a lot lately.  Mostly I take it is the dorms, cramped space has always had a negative effect on my productivity.  Even getting the will to put together something is a challenge.  Lately to keep up my morale, I’ve begun building servers from abandoned computer parts, so far I have two.  Oddly enough, for studying Language, I’ve advanced my computer skills ten-fold over the past few months and I’m still learning more each day.

I need to come to terms with myself, I’ve been holding back my emotions for 2 years now and it’s killing me.  Still in love with the girl who left me, from what I know of her now she’s changed entirely.  Forgot me as soon as she could and moved on, good for her.  There hasn’t been one day that I haven’t seen her in my head and told her I missed her, I’m sure she’d find that “stalking” or some other adverse human nature.  Sometimes I wish I just saved myself the trouble and killed myself like I said I would.

My emotions have become so congested within me that I don’t know what I am anymore.  I want to write but I can’t find a place or time to do so, I can’t lock myself away from the world anymore and take a break.  I can’t hide and cry where no one knows, I’m stuck having to feign what little bit of social strength I have and trade my emotional pain for physical pain.  Yesterday I punched a closet until my fingers turned purple.  I really don’t know what to do with myself.

I realize this sounds a lot like something a person would write before opening fire on his campus or something, just to avoid getting called on (I know Tech has just started putting out the anonymous hotline lately..) I am a very far cry from using a gun or explosives or anything of the manner on people.  I can hardly stand killing animals at times, I could never imagine killing a person.  Today I saw a dead animal near the side of the road and nearly cried  Why, I don’t know.  I usually only get bothered when I see turtles in roadkill, that’s always bothered me.  So much so that I have to stop before doing anything.  Always try to help them get across roads, it’s not their fault they’re too slow.  Argg, now I’m getting teary eyed over that.

I miss her, whenever I hear of her she’s always having the time of her life or the such.  I remember when she used to be happy to see me, and I would always try my best to please her.  I never wanted this and how I’ve prayed to be free from this and from these memories.  I want to move on but I keep falling back, I’ve fallen back a lot since she’s left me.  I never thought I’d fall this low.  I almost wish I never even met her, I put so much dedication into her that I left me nowhere to fall back to.  She had her support group and family, I have nothing.  The sad truth of my choice of life, when I reached back to her I knew the risk and I thought she’d be worth it.  Now I have nothing going for me and I’m a combination of pissed of, hurt, suicidal, and so much more that I don’t even know how to diagnose.  I just want it to end.  A sad stalemate of being for the past 2 years.

What I really miss is that she was the one person who I could talk to about stuff like this.  I only have a handful of friends and she was the one I let get closest, a mistake I should’ve thought through better.  I envy those who don’t get involved as deep as I , who don’t look for something like I do.  I can’t even get over my first break up.  I’m just a washed up emo, plain and simple; and there’s nobody I can run to anymore.

Lullaby Suicide

And all you said and done
Has walked me through your kingdom
I’ll tell you what I see
I see the difference in everything

Until my mind has come
Until your colours run
I want to be like you
Perfect in all of the things you do

I wake up when
You have said
I ought to be young
I want to be free of my head

And sometimes you remind me of them
And nothing will take my dreams away
I believe everything I was told
I believe that you’ll never grow old
I will tell you the same today
But I have been given away

I wanna be bathed
I wanna be young again
So take my wish and tell me that
I never caught you and I never can
I’ll never catch you and I never can

So take my dreams
Take them away
Take my dreams
And take them away

I never wanted you
I never wanted this
Time to leave again
Take me away from here

Take me away from here
Take me away from here

Testing out iphone interface

So here I am in church testing out the new update to the wordpress mobile client.

Samson – Regina Spektor

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, I have to go
Your hair was long when we first met

Samson went back to bed
Not much hair left on his head
He ate a slice of wonder bread and went right back to bed
And history books forgot about us and the bible didn’t mention us
The bible didn’t mention us, not even once

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first , I loved you first
Beneath the stars came falling on our heads
But there just soft light, there just soft light
Your hair was long when we first met

Samson came to my bed
Told me that my hair was red
He told me i was beautiful and came into my bed
Oh I cut his hair myself one night
A pair of dull scissors and the yellow light
And he told me that I’d done alright
and kissed me till the morning light, the morning light
and he kissed me till the morning light

Samson came back to bed
not much hair left on his head
Ate a slice of wonderbread and went right back to bed
Oh, we couldn’t bring the columns down
Yeah we couldn’t destroy a single one
And history books forgot about us
And the bible didn’t mention us, not even once

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first

My Lonely, Starry Night

but the flame only lasts and endures in silence, the silence you too well knew.  and how it plagued me to be immortal with no heart to bear my sorrow nor a grave to bury it in.  the kisses they see, they are the petals, softly falling to the earth.  do not count them, catch them and remember the sanity of that moment when the sun died and the stars burst as flaming diamonds in your lonely night where only you knew me.  please.  please. please let me see the sun no more, its light false, a lie.  you are the true light and I love you my lonely, starry night.